


Waiting an Eternity

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Immortality, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, visitings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 14:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14214795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: After a long and fulfilling life, Simon finally dies, and Baz can't handle it.





	Waiting an Eternity

Things had turned out very differently than expected. They had turned out way better than expected. But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t end one day because everything ends and this was no different. Baz should’ve been prepared. But there was no way to prevent it from hitting him like a brick. He just woke up one morning. Simon was lying next to him, like he did every day. Baz watched him for just a brief moment. His face was lined by all the things he’d seen. His once blonde hair was grey. So much had changed. Despite everything, Baz couldn’t help but think that he was still beautiful. One could see how old he was but it suited him. After all they’d gone through, they had felt older than they had been for years and now it had come to a point that their old feeling matched their appearance. And Baz was okay with that because he’d never thought he’d end up like this. Old. With Simon Snow. They really had lasted this long and Baz looked at Simon with wonder. Something was different right now. Everything must end some day.

He wasn’t breathing. This was the day. The day he had kept himself from thinking about because it just hurt to much.

For a moment, Baz felt like he couldn’t breathe himself. He checked quickly on Simon’s pulse but he knew it was pointless. He couldn’t smell it any more. He was a vampire, he ought to know. But there was nothing. Baz couldn’t even comprehend it. It destroyed him on the inside and internally, he was screaming so loud.

_NO HE’S NOT BREATHING_

_I MUST DO SOMETHING_

_THERE MUST BE A SPELL_

_THERE IS NO SPELL_

_SAVE ME SAVE ME WHY ME WHY NOW WHY HIM WHY WHY WHYWHYwhyWHYwhyWHY_

He was a mess on the inside, on the outside he just looked at him ever so seemingly calm. Then his thoughts cleared up and he closed his eyes in the memory of Simon Snow.

_I’m eleven years old. The crucible gives me a moled blonde haired boy. I hate it. I wouldn’t want it any other way._

_I’m fifteen years old. I love him. Scones, clumsiness, burning magic, accusations, heroism. I hate it._

_I’m eighteen years old. Simon Snow is in my arms. He loves me._

_I’m twenty-two years old. Against all odds, Simon says yes._

_I’m thirty years old. I want to marry him all over again._

_I’m sixty years old. Our grandchildren come for a visit._

_He’s always there. Always. I love him. I love him endlessly much._

_HE GAVE ME ALL THESE MEMORIES_  
WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW  
HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT HIM

_I CAN’T ICAN’T ICANT ICANTICANTICANTicant I can’t_

Baz touched Simon’s forehead as lightly as he could. He didn’t move, didn’t breathe, didn’t smile. Baz almost heard his own heart breaking.

 _WHY DID THEY TAKE HIM FROM ME_  
THIS IS NOT FAIR  
It could’ve been a lot different. We had, how long?

_IT HAS BEEN EIGHTY-TWO YEARS_

_All these memories… They’re mine. Nobody can take them away from me. But when I wake up next morning, he won’t be there…_

_HE WON’T BE THERE I CAN’T HE MUST BE THERE_

_I’ll never see him smiling again. He’ll never stuff his face with scones again. He’ll never argue with Penny any more. He’ll never kiss me, I’ll never tell him I love him, never again but WHY NEVER SMILING NEVER KISSING NEVER NEVER AGAIN WHY NOT_

Before he knew it, Baz was crying. Thoughts were floating through his head.

_It’s not fair. Not fair, dammit. But you had eighty-two years, how can you ask for more?_

_IT’S JUST NOT FAIR_

It took a few minutes before Baz stopped staring at his lover and got up to call somebody. It took years longer until he smiled again.

 

_I should’ve died twenty years ago. Twenty years ago he left me and I thought about leaving, too. I couldn’t have done that to him, could I? I couldn’t have done that to our children. But I won’t die, will I? I just won’t die, at least not automatically. Maybe I should just do it myself. Maybe I should do it like my mother. Maybe she was right after all. I know that spell well. It wouldn’t take so long._

“Don’t do it.”

“What?”

It was a voice he’d believed he’d never hear again.

“Am I crazy now? Wouldn’t be surprised.”

He turned around. He gasped. Simon was standing there. He was here.

“Have you forgotten? The veil?”  
“Oh…”

Baz walked over to him, holding out a hand.

“I missed you… So much… I missed you so much…”

“I know.”

“I’ll come, Simon. I’m coming for you.”

“No. Don’t. I’m pleading you, don’t do it.”  
“Do you think I won’t make it through? Because I died when I was five years ago and my soul is long gone? I’m not even human.”

“Baz… Oh, Baz… You know it’s not like that. You have to move on. Live your life.”  
“What life?! I haven’t seen you in twenty years… What else is there?”

“So much, Baz, believe me. You can fall in love all over again. You can live a thousand lives. I’m not stopping you.”

“But I don’t want to. Don’t you get it? All I want is you.”  
“But twenty years have passed.”

“That’s nothing. I’d wait a million years for you.”

“I missed you two. But we don’t have much time.”  
“I know.”  
Baz was crying again.

“I’ll never stop, I promise it to you. I know you want me to be happy. But I swear to you, my dear, I’ll never stop loving you.”

 

Baz held his promise. And every twenty years, a star would fall from the sky just for him. A ghost would be hunting him. And there was nobody else. There was no killing himself. It was worth the wait. No matter how often Simon would come and tell him to go and live some different years, every twenty years he would come back.

 

None of them would ever let go. None of them would give up. Baz was ready to wait for Simon Snow. And since he was immortal and Simon a ghost, it turned out to be a very long time.

 

_I’ll see you again, my love, in twenty years. And in a thousand. And a million. I’ll wait all of eternity for you, if that’s what you want. I’ll see you again. Hold on just a little longer._


End file.
